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Dear Suicidal Me

Dear Suicidal Me

Dear Suicidal Me,

Hi there. Remember me?
I’m the one you worked so hard to maintain, the one you always wanted to be.
All those hours at the gym, the yoga, the Psalms,
the positive self talk when everything seemed wrong . . .

But it failed.

Because now you’re you.
You look in the mirror and wish you could see a glimpse of me too.

But you fail.

You just see you.
All those hours at counseling, the failures, the hurt,
the voices you hear that say you have no worth.

But you do.

That’s really all I’m here to say.
Your world is crashing down,
but I’m here to remind you it will be ok.
That debris, the crash in your chest, that leaves a hole
where there should be mess—
you are more than that.
You are more than a part.

You are whole.

Put your fingers to your neck; you can still feel your heart.

Right now you just see you.
But I’m here to remind you that I’m here too.

See yesterday, we spent two hours at the gym.
We met a girl named Katie, who we hope to meet again.
And today, he threatened to leave.
But we stayed calm, we self-advocated, and we avoided verbalizing the vile things that we don’t actually mean.
And tomorrow, we will hang out with a friend.
Remember, you do have friends.
Oh, I know you remember the ones that abandoned you before,
but their world is broken too–it’s not just yours.
And I guarantee you,
before the night is through,
you will receive a text from someone that cares for you.

Because people do.

You know they do.

Even if you don’t see it through your dismay.
How many times did he ask, “How is today?”
How many times did she remind you His grace covers you anyway?
They invested in you,
not because of what you do,
because that’s where we agree—
what we do is not enough.
If it was, you wouldn’t be laying there, without a hope, wondering why your life is so rough, crying out that you’ve had enough.

I know you’ve had enough.

I know it’s not fair.

I know you don’t feel loved.

I know you’re too tired to care.

Right now you just see you.
But I’m here to remind you that I’m here too.

You are just a part.
And I am a part too.

Together, we’re a whole.

With a beating heart,
a lot of potential,
and people that love us despite what we do.

So keep pushing through.
And find me there with you too.

Love,
From you.

This post reflects the views and experiences of the author, and is intended to start a conversation. Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

Or, if you’d like to hear some overall thoughts on suicide from Christians at THRED, you can find those over here.

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Molly Talsma
Molly tends to get caught up in the moment. Some of her favorite moments involve snuggling with her 3-legged cat, talking about the deep things with real people (as opposed to fake people), reading young adult fiction and drinking coffee that tastes like earth.

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