Jennifer and I were very intentional in raising loving, faithful, and engaged children, trying never to speak down to them, and regularly inviting conversation where disagreement presented itself. This approach has provided our relationships with our grown-up kids much greater depth, equality, and mutual respect, and we are grateful for it and our adult children.
Youth Ministry in the Catholic church has been a very recent phenomenon. In fact, although I was paid fairly in this milieu for twenty years to engage students in God-focused experiences, my own mom would ask me at least once a year, “Now, Honey, what IS it that you do for a living?”
For years, when people have asked me what I do for a living, I say that, through youth ministry and teaching, my professional career has always been about learning from teenagers. The immediate response, more often than not, is something along the lines of, “Wow! That’s so impressive! I could never do that—I don’t understand adolescents. Kids these days…”
So often, we are quick to dismiss the wisdom of those younger than us, especially in online spaces. They see the world through a different lens, they have different lived experiences than us, and I get how that can be scary. But my time as both a religious educator and a parent of three amazing humans has taught me that our children have so much to teach us—if only we’re willing to listen.
Let Them Lead
Recently, I was blessed to spend the better part of two days with my wife and our 25-year-old daughter in her new hometown, where she lives and works at their local zoo. This was her first opportunity as an adult to host us in her own city and her own home. When we followed her to work the next day, we loved the red pandas, the meerkats, and the tortoises, among other beautiful creatures there.
We had the most wonderful time at the zoo as our daughter gave us the grand four-hour tour, all the while speaking from her place of training and knowledge as a member of the zoo staff. Then we enjoyed a home-cooked dinner and laughter over board games. We talked with our fully-formed adult daughter, one of her housemates, and two additional friends late into the night. We even visited where she participates in indoor climbing and the place where she enjoys outdoor slacklining.
Through it all, my wife Jennifer and I were blessed to experience Julianna in her comfort zone—thriving in life as an interdependent young adult woman, providing for herself physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. She largely runs her own life, and she’s also comfortable with asking for help when she needs it—a crucial balance in adulthood. But it was perhaps an even greater blessing to let Julianna lead, to fully be a guest hosted in our daughter’s home.
To be brutally honest, my wife and I learned quite a bit from Julianna that visit. That’s also a huge part of being a parent, I’ve learned. And we loved our time with our daughter, the inspiring educator.
Keep an Open Mind & Heart
On Fridays when my daughter was not yet attending school, she and I would say goodbye to her older brothers. And then we would plan our day together while my wife was out all day meeting with her college students and grading papers. I would say, “What shall we do today, Julianna?”
Julianna ALWAYS had a plan— go to the library, go to the park, and go to the muffin shop. We had the most amazing time together each week. Because I realized that, not only would she be more committed to a series of events that SHE was interested in, but, God was teaching me through her. The message was, “Be open to the wisdom of your daughter.” Already as a child, she knew the importance of open eyes and a heart full of wonder.
Julianna was also someone who guaranteed that she would like her school lunch each day in future years because she chose it and she made it, every day, starting in Kindergarten. She was the lead agent in our Fridays of Fun, and we still have a better relationship for it over twenty years later.
Look for Reminders of God
My sons are in their late 20s, and they are as different as night and day.
However different the initiators of excitement are for each of them (engineering and Gen Con versus music and sports), I know God is with us as each of them shares their recent enthusiasm with me. They reach out to me about life and about things such as Taylor Swift songs, Tesla car releases, the annual plight of the Mets, and learning to play the hottest new board game.
Interestingly, whenever I shoehorn a conversation about God into our fun, our interactions fall flat. It always takes me a while to remember that God is already there in our midst—in our fellowship as a family. He is already present when we show up in love for each other. I don’t need to force it.
Because You Are Young
The Apostle Paul presents his understanding of how older adults should approach, understand, and respect young adults and teenagers: “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12, NIV).
Paul says nothing about how the “believers…the receivers” will respond to such wisdom from younger adults, and even the children, but we are called by God to healthily support and lean on each other throughout our lives. Community is not just something intended for adults. Our children can teach us so much about it, too.
Jennifer and I were very intentional in raising loving, faithful, and engaged children, trying never to speak down to them, and regularly inviting conversation where disagreement presented itself. This approach has provided our relationships with our grown-up kids much greater depth, equality, and mutual respect, and we are grateful for it and our adult children.
Do we benefit from older adults—colleagues, even parents—who recognize the wisdom within us? Are we confident enough to trust that these elders in our lives will accept what we have gleaned from meaningful engagement in the world? What can we do to live out this wisdom, even if it may mean making a substantial change in life from time to time?
May those in your circle of influence both on- and offline honor the wise companion you seek to be for them. I know I have been so blessed by honoring the wisdom of my own children.
