“I often feel the urge to skip past asking a couple of key questions and just sharing about why I think someone might need Jesus in their life, or giving them a spiritual task that they should try next. I have had to cultivate the practice of slowing down and being curious. It takes, well— curiosity—and honesty with myself.”
If I could sum up this blog in one phrase, I would say this: curiosity is a gift.
Being curious means allowing ourselves to move beyond our day-to-day indifference to the things going on around us. Curiosity is the human trait to ask questions about our surroundings and of our neighbors and participate actively.
Jesus was curious to the point that His questions changed lives! I think a lot about the ways He invites the woman in John 4 to wonder about Him and how this opens the door to her story. First, He asks her for a drink (v.7), then He asks her, “Do you know who I am?” (v.10). He asks her if the story she is giving is the one she really wants to tell (v. 16), and then finally SHE asks Him, “Are you the Messiah?”
I love this exchange because there is no pressure except to cultivate the relationship.
Jesus is modeling the way that the questions we ask invite others into sharing their stories with us, and the way we can honor the things that we hear. Jesus asks questions first, and only shares who He is when others ask Him for more.
How do we ask questions that build relationships?
When I coach others in having spiritual conversations, I often make them practice with me out loud. I’ll play the role of a friend with whom they want to talk about faith, and I’ll listen to them being themselves and raising the conversation.
Most of the time, the person I’m coaching gets stuck waiting for their friend to ask a question.
I’ll say it again: curiosity is a gift. Often, curiosity gets stuck in overthinking how exactly a conversation might turn toward Jesus.
I often feel the urge to skip past asking a couple of key questions and just sharing about why I think someone might need Jesus in their life, or giving them a spiritual task that they should try next.
I have had to cultivate the practice of slowing down and being curious. It takes, well— curiosity—and honesty with myself.
Here are five questions to ask as you build relationships with others around you. If you feel stuck wanting a spiritual conversation but not wanting to share a gospel summary out of the blue, start here.
Ask yourself, “What do I want out of this conversation?”
Set a good goal for the conversation that’s focused on building a relationship and avoiding assumptions.
Some good examples include:
- “I want my friend and me to have a great experience talking with each other.”
- “I want both of us to be more honest about our spiritual questions.”
- “I want to learn more about my friend’s spiritual background.”
Choosing a goal means being honest with yourself about why you sought out this conversation. It makes you consider whether you’re asking a question because you want your friend or friendship to grow – or whether the focus of the conversation is your experience in taking a risk.
Good spiritual conversations are honest about intention.
Ask a straightforward question: “What is your spiritual background?”
This is my favorite question to ask non-Christian college students who I encounter in my work because it opens a conversation on neutral terms. I am asking about their story.
Earlier this month at a retreat, I asked Naomi, an international student from Japan, this question. Naomi said that she had no specific faith background, but grew up with her family’s cultural and spiritual practices as part of her childhood. As a result, she didn’t know what to think about the Christians she met in college. I learned she was at the camp to explore who Jesus was and if following Him might make sense in her life.
Whenever I ask this question, it feels like I am inviting someone to open the door into a big part of their lives. It’s straightforward to talk about other parts of being human, like our bodies (health) and mind (emotions). It’s much more challenging to put words to our souls.
A hard part of evangelism is making room for vulnerability and entering into the story of the person you’re listening to. When you ask a question like “What is your spiritual background?”, you are asking them to share their lived experiences. But as we receive their reply, we must see it as an honor and take care to actively listen to what they have to share.
It’s an honor whenever someone shares their story with me.
Practice Curiosity: “What does your relationship with spirituality look like today?”
We need to demonstrate our curiosity about others as we actively listen to their lived experiences. I love this question because it gives others agency to describe their journey or their story on their terms.
I asked Naomi what spiritual practices she’s kept today. And after she shared her observations of prayer in Japanese culture and prayer in Christianity, she turned and asked me the same question I asked her earlier: “What about you? What was your spiritual background before following Jesus?”
We can demonstrate our desire to know more about someone’s story by asking a relevant follow-up question. This opens the door for a conversation without adding pressure—pressure for you to share about yourself without being prompted and pressure for them to do anything but be curious about your story too. Good follow-up questions communicate that you are interested in having a present conversation, not a hypothetical, theological, or persuasive one.
Ask a spicy question: “How is your current process working for you?”
Sometimes, we need to ask others to assess their spiritual life without judgment to advance the conversation. We can signal that we want to listen while still adding risk to the conversation. That’s what I mean by “spicy.”
I was in an Uber ride with someone who asked me, “In my 20s, I read a book that changed my life.” It wasn’t the Bible, but it was a spiritual book that helped him craft a kind of spiritual life. As he shared, though, it seemed like he was dissatisfied and disillusioned.
He was running into life problems that needed a more robust faith. And he was having trouble seeing that believing in God without Jesus was part of his challenge. I could sense this, but I didn’t quite know how to turn the conversation to Jesus until I remembered this question. My heart was pounding a little bit, which told me it was time to “turn up the heat” of the moment.
I asked, “How is that working for you?”
When you ask this question, be prepared for a few things that might happen. Sometimes, they share a heavy story. Sometimes there’s a moment of silence while they sit and reflect.
Other times, they ask for advice or a next step. Be ready to walk with them wherever the conversation wanders.
Ask for another conversation: “Can I bring this up again later?”
I have a friend who only lets me ask one spiritual question at a time. It’s become a joke in our relationship because he knows I believe in Jesus and I know I’m one of his only Christian friends. I often ask deep questions, and he cuts me off after the first one.
So, I always ask (or in this case, tell him), “I’ll ask another question later.”
I do this on purpose – to signal I care about this part of our relationship. It’s both closing the conversation and respecting a soft boundary while asking for permission to keep the conversation going.
It’s tempting to want to have a complete spiritual conversation each time space for one comes up. But, much like our curiosity, our time with friends is abundant.
It’s okay to press pause on a conversation and check in again later, or even stop to have some time to think about a particular point.
As long as you ask again.
Our curiosity—the desire to know and see others where they are—is a gift to our friends. Closing a conversation doesn’t close our desire to know others. And really, this desire to deeply know and walk beside each other is what evangelism is all about.
